4 Ways to Stop People Pleasing
Being a people pleaser may have you feeling fulfilled — like you have a sense of purpose within the community you’ve built for yourself. However, most of the time, it leaves you pleasing everyone, except yourself.
You may believe that deep down, you just have a calling for helping those in need around you, yet, at the end of the day, you’re depleted of energy and haven’t really thought about what it is that you need.
I am one of those people. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been a “go with the flow” kind of gal–– if everyone around me was happy so was I. For the most part, I still genuinely feel that way! The thing is, the longer you succumb to that way of thinking, the harder it is to actually know what it is that you want and need. Not just going out to lunch, but in your entire identity.
Before you know it, you’re feeling guilty every time you do something for yourself, especially if it differs from the opinion of the herd. The automatic negative thoughts start creeping in and anxiety starts to blur what’s true and what isn’t.
If you’re a people pleaser, you probably know this feeling all too well. While it may be challenging to break away from that helpful and “selfless” persona, trust me when I say that changing a few things could mean a whole world of difference.
Check in with yourself.
When you’re doing things for others –– whether it’s a favor or group activity –– check in with yourself on why you’re doing it. Are you doing it because you genuinely want to and have the time/energy, or are you trying to appease someone else? Time and time again, I’ve gone along with a plan or done a favor I really did not feel like doing, not because it was necessarily the right thing to do, but because I didn’t want to let anyone down. In turn, my own mood suffered. My thoughts didn’t seem to matter (to myself), and honestly, I just felt tired.
It’s okay not to be in the mood to take a yoga class or to be too tired to go to the store and pick something up for your roommate. Maybe you don’t have a good excuse, but you don’t need one! This isn’t to say that you should never do a favor, but for those who have crippling anxiety when you feel like you’re letting someone down –– know that it is okay to say no. If you stop thinking about how others perceive you, you’ll end up feeling a lot better about yourself.
Set clear boundaries.
Everyone is different, which means we all have varying sets of boundaries. It can be hard to establish them once a dynamic has already been set, but it’s never too late to change that dynamic. This is something I’ve struggled with for a long time. I’ve always wanted to give my all to the people around me, but at the end of the day, I had nothing left for myself. So, I started making decisions for me.
It’s definitely a feat to accomplish. At first, I felt like I was letting people down, that my friends would tire of me, and I felt down right selfish. So, I’d battle with myself in my head, creating a dialogue between peers that was purely fallacy. Every time I actually set boundaries, the script that I’d written seemed to become an improv –– everything was actually okay. No one left me, no one got mad at me. It was as if the thoughts in my head weren’t perceivable to anyone else but myself (who knew?).
No one is a mind reader, and no one’s mind works exactly the same. The thoughts in your head create a vastly different pattern than those around you. The more you realize that, the easier it is to rip the band-aid off and say, “hey, I need to do my own thing tonight.”
Don’t overcorrect.
We tend to overcorrect when we’ve been scorned in our lives. You dated someone who never paid enough attention to you, so the next person you date is overly clingy. You had a job where you were so busy you barely had the energy to make it to your car at the end of the day, so your next job you have so little to do you’re not challenged and become bored.
So, once you get used to assessing your own needs, don’t go overboard. It’s okay to be there for people, to help them when they need it, even if sometimes you might not be in the mood for it. You want to be a good person, but you don’t have to be a pushover. The whole point is trying to find that balance; the ability to put your needs first, but not be a completely self-serving prick at the same time.
Take a step back and envision the person you want to be. Hopefully, you want to be a helpful person, the kind of friend that people can turn to when they need advice or someone reliable. What you don’t want to be is a person who only serves themself, that can’t be counted on by anyone.
Talk about the changes you’re making.
It might seem weird to let your friends and family know that you’re not going to be as available as you used to be. How is someone supposed to react to that? The thing is, when someone in your life starts changing –– whether it’s in the way they act or dress –– you notice. It’s odd. It makes you question things. So instead of leaving people in the dark, having a conversation centered around your mental health can be a great step forward in becoming the person you want to be.
Tell some of your closest friends and family that you’re taking steps to improve your well-being and that means taking some more time for yourself. You’ll still be there for them, but aren’t going to be available to do every favor that is asked of you. While it may seem off-putting to declare, as long as your tone stays light-hearted, the people in your life should be understanding. In fact, they probably never realized that you were feeling some type of way to begin with!
We think that other people clue into what’s going on in our brains so much more than they actually do. That doesn’t mean that people are taking advantage, or are being inconsiderate, either. They’re just unaware. So, if you’re unhappy about how much you give to others, make some changes to start giving to yourself.
